The Heap
Managed to whittle away at some of the heap of things I’ve bottled up inside tonight. Better to take it one step at a time than to blow it up with some kinda emotional explosion probably.
Hypocrite
Everything about me is hypocrisy. My feelings contradict. I am a confident person with no self esteem. How does something like that happen? When I think about how I’m feeling, and who I am, I just drive in paradoxical circles, going nowhere. I’m the most social anti-socialite.
I am hypocrisy.
I have an old soul but I’m young in spirit.
I am despressed and happy at the same time all the time. I have feelings of grandeur, while at the same time thinking that I’m generally not much good. Maybe it’s just being humble.
I try to figure it out but it never works out because maybe I’m not cut out to know why I’m myself.
Clouds and randomness
Today is one of those beautiful blue sky days.
The kind that makes the troubles on your mind fade.
Today is one of those spectacular cloud days.
The kind that makes you want to lay out side and die days.
It would be ok.
Because of the way the calm pulls itself over you, makes life for an instant…feel complete.
Stare out unfocused and watch them drift by, wishing every second that I could live that life.
And then at that moment when you feel it, when you feel the blessing of this day.
When you feel your gears slow down,
When you feel it all float away,
in that moment
you felt heaven for a split second.
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There are black boards and white boards..
Why don’t they have navy blue boards?
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Looking up at the sky brings me to ponder.
Toe wonder if there are others like me that walk staring up.
Marveling at the terrific blue hue spotted with white marshmallows.
Do they think what I’m thinking?
I hope everyone takes time to look.
I know lives are busy, but it’s more like they are busy wasting life.
Whats the point if you don’t enjoy the sky, the trees, the laughter, the pain, the fear, the friendships, or the love.
It’s an amazing world.
Enjoy it.
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Drifting off to another plane of consciousness
I get a feeling I enjoy.
I start to go through my archived memories.
Missing some times, loathing some times.
Paging through the past like scenes from a move.
But it’s not a move, it’s my life.
Even at this young age it seems a lifetime has passed.
A whole world of events already gone.
But not really gone.
Savor the moment
Take risks
Because that’s the only real way to make the most of what we have
It won’t kill you, so why not?
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Decided to make it all one post. Wrote out that stuff while walking to class and during class today.
The all over the place post
It’s these miles and miles that I can’t stand. Do you get it? Can you fathom or even begin to understand? There are so many places to go, to visit, to take in. I find it trying, to be bound by something like money. What a trivial nuance, but what large binding force it is; money. I’ve got places and people to see, culture to absorb. I find it so much more enjoyable than the drab lack of culture in this place.
The spacious boundary between a soul linked so coincidentally to one such as mine. Like mind, like soul. It is astounding to me to find a person such as you. Guided by the hand of God; I feel. Some light shining on me for once. It felt good to see and know that he will not forget what I’ve done. The sacrifices that have been made. I know that he will bring about my time, showing appreciation for all I’ve given up for others.
It’s really nice to feel me again. I have missed you so much good friend, with your true goodness, I am not forced to wear my guise. Finally I feel genuine within myself, pulling out the me inside that was forced to hide for quite some time inside in order to abide by the expectations forced on my free spirit. I watched him come forth again with glee, and he hasn’t even departed. The time has been too extensive that a prolonged stay by my true self has blessed me with his presence. Please don’t leave again, because the weights I bear when you are here simply don’t feel
So heavy.
The Guise
How can one, so joyful and full of life.
Appearing so normal, so fine.
Seem so jovial, and so ok.
Be not.
Ok.
How can it be that I am so unlike the way I appear to those around me? Why do I wear a happy facade while deep inside lurks an unexplainable depression that slowly corrodes my insides. No one understands, in person, on the outside, is that happy guy, but why can’t he be inside.
It’s discouraging to me, to know that inside, the plea, is for me, to be,
o.k.
Interesting pondering
Do we really every know who we are? or do we merely act. I wonder if people in general actually take time to pay attention and learn things about themselves.
If they don’t, how are they going to tell other people about themselves? They use the things around them to describe themselves, the things the like etc. Is that really what they are about though? Sure they like rock music, hiking, camping, etc. But telling someone things like that doesn’t really get things out like how big of a procrastinator they are or how insecure they are about themselves.
What a weird rambling !
oh my
could it be, inside me, something you see, that would make you be,
inclined to,
feel the same way I do?
It’s these late contemplative nights when delving into myself brings to the surface feelings.
As much as I wish I could hide them, they are there. Are you doing this to me? Am I doing it to me? Is it you I want? Or do I merely want someone?
Maybe its just me trying to replace what is gone, and it doesn’t have to do with what appears to be genuine feelings.
It’s just so confusing.
Having withdrawals. Lacking that person, I think it’s what hurts the most. Not the specific person.
Just having.
Someone.
Dry spell =X
Now that it’s summer I work a lot with my dad doing construction stuff. Usually in the first half of the day I have all this time to think because I do concrete drilling, so I’m stuck using ear plugs, listening to only my thoughts really. It bites because I can come up with cool lines and things of that nature, but I can’t write them down because I’m working. Soooo, I guess I’ll just write this normal blog post. It’s lonely here at my dads over the summer, no friends out here, aside from one pretty lady, but she works nights 
. Since gas is getting so expensive, I don’t know if I’m going to be able to visit my friends up near my moms very much, which is saddening. Growing up sucks.
