A poets lament

It’s easy you know.  The way you’re thinking right now.  What you’re doing right now.  The slack you cut yourself.

It’s a lot easier to lay down.  Spend your time ignoring responsibility.  Turn a blind eye to things that need doing.  Watch your tv.  Hide in your room.  Let go of the rudder and veer off course.  Let the wind take you.  Stop moving forward.

It’s easy.

Don’t let yourself be easy.  Stay the course.  Walk your path.  Don’t stop moving.  Push on through.

The only walls are in your head.  Mentally generated blockades you use to make yourself easy.

Everyone does it, I am not immune.  But I keep moving.

Life’s just a game you play.  A game of will.  Most of it isn’t hard, you just have to will yourself through it.  It’s not easy to use your willpower.

Don’t stop.

Don’t be easy.

There’s a lot hidden in the shadow of my personality, things I don’t like letting people see.  I hide it here for reasons obvious to me, ’cause if you knew the things I do maybe you’d want to flee.

It’s wrecked inside like a tornado struck, shit strewn everywhere.  Up from down, smile or frown, its all the same in here.

Paradoxically existing are these emotions simultaneously,  it’s just which one I decide to attach to is what’s shown to those around me.

“You’ll never know I’ll never show”, I chant inside my head, because this shadow hides so well since there’s no light that you could shed.

My heart screams out for the one that has been stripped away from me.

And it aches everyday without your touch.

A pain taking its toll one thousand times a minute, its strain causing the worst kind of discomfort.

Dear, you are so far away, but  I cannot feel whole without you. What has become of this solid structure than now feels faulty without a girl.

Aching deep, strangling deep, a feeling deep inside, seeping wide throughout.

Don’t give in to the evils they sell or the lies they tell because the truth you own is your own in a tone that is more than simply a dull drone lacking colors but instead shines with intensity from a soul so profound and stricken with a density that I think few are even able to penetrate enough to understand the complexity or the specialty or the even the regularity that seems masked by peculiarity that most wouldn’t bother with.

What they think they see with their eyes is just an illusion spread wide by your eagerness to hide the majesty lurking inside your tiny frame in a game of cat and mouse where you keep the world at bay for fear of hurting others while you suffer.

In silence.

But not in silence because your paintings scream your misery out to the world whenever someone gazes on them.  You get some release as they begin to understand the horror’s you keep locked up behind the gates you so heavily fortified when they gaze upon what your guts have spewn onto canvas.

I know its burning.

Bursting inside trying to get out, but you can’t paint and write it all out fast enough can you? There’s only so much art can do for you darlin.

I just wish the white men in the black suits would take a second to see.

I watched my dad die today.

He will never get to see me graduate college.
He will never get to see me get married.
My children will never know him.
I won’t be able to hug him anymore when I go to his house.
My step mom is going to be so lost.
Family gatherings will never be as fun.

The greatest man I have ever known has vanished from this world.

I will never forget the last smile I got from him.
I will never forget his big belly.

I will do my best to continue to try and make him proud as he watches now from heaven.

I never imagined losing him so early in my life.

But the person he was no longer existed this last week.  When the jokes and the smiles stopped, I started to realize what was going to happen.

He is who made me, me.

My hero in times of distress.
My life-guidance counselor.
My mentor.

Now who is going to help me become a grill master.
I don’t have anyone to cook knapp with now.
I’ll keep making it though.  I’ll never forget.

I’m going to miss your hearty laugh.
I’m going to miss your big smile with the one tooth missing.
I’m going to miss your inability to dress yourself properly without Sharyl setting your clothes out for you.
I’m going to miss your dirty jokes.
There is going to be a gap so large in the place you once stood.

I suffer silently so that those around may feed off my solidity.  I keep it to myself so that I may be strong for everyone else.  I will not show my pain.  It hurts, I feel it deep, eating at me, but I;ll keep my resolve strong on the outside.  For everyone else, I will be a rock.